The Other Woman
Posted by itchbay | Posted in Opinion Pieces | Posted on 20-01-2010
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So I want to talk about The Other Woman and issues surrounding infidelity. I know I’m hardly ever serious on here but I think it’s important once in a very long while… Lately I’ve been seeing so many issues with infidelity everywhere I look. Examples: the Alicia-Swizz Beatz-Mashonda situation, the Tiger Woods fiasco and our very own Valerie Kimani-Eric Wainaina-Sheba Hirst scandal. This issue has really hit home with me for a number of reasons. In fact, I have quite a huge confession to make. This will be a long post so please find the rest after the jump…

One thing people overlook when it comes to infidelity is that it’s only a SYMPTOM!!! I cannot stress that enough. It’s easy for a man to cheat, have his wife find out, apologize, get forgiveness and continue like nothing happened. This only results in a vicious cycle that affects everyone involved. So if we blame the cheater, we have to blame the spouse for not insisting on getting the necessary help to fix what went wrong in the first place.
Okay, on to my confession. I have been the other woman. It’s not something I’m proud of. But I will tell you that it was an experience I’m grateful for because it opened my eyes when it comes to male-female relations. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me to get the message that it hurt everyone involved, including me. I’m extremely sorry for my actions, but it was what it was and there’s nothing I can do about it. In my case, it got to the point where his wife was emailing me, calling me, texting…just some really wild ish. At the time, my excuse was that I wasn’t forcing him to do anything and it was all his choice. What I was really doing was absolving myself of blame and responsibility. It eventually ended when he came to tell me that he was going on vacation with his wife for a month…the next day… I know it’s selfish of me but that made me realize that I wasn’t numero uno in his life.
That being said, women also need to be truthful to themselves. A man will only do what you allow him to do. When I was in that situation, during one of my many correspondences with his wife, I remember telling her that she needed to TALK TO HER MAN and figure out the problem. Instead, she threw him out the house, forgave him in two days and he moved back in – and we continued the affair. I finally left him but surprise, surprise – he’s seeing other WOMEN! Today a mutual friend called me to tell me that he has been thrown out again. His business has gone bust and he is living with a friend who is about to throw him out too. Talk about Karma. I’m just thankful I don’t have to deal with that mess although I do feel sorry for him.
How different would it have been if they had TALKED, I mean really talked about their issues without any window dressing? That way, you give each other the chance to decide whether to work on the marriage or give up and go your separate ways. Just because your spouse is cheating does not mean he alone is responsible. He is dead wrong for choosing infidelity as a way to deal with it. But you also have to deal with the fact that something is lacking in the relationship. I once heard someone say that people find it easy to work at their careers but not on their marriages. Relationships are hard work – period. Even I have had to be reminded by my boyfriend that I was not doing all I could at times. But as soon as he brings it to my attention, I make a conscious decision to work on whatever needs fixing.

Another big problem we have as black women is letting our men BE MEN. It’s all good to be independent and cultivate something to fall back on just in case. But I feel that sometimes we take complete control and forget about our men. The end result is that the men have no role to play and feel useless. I’m not making excuses for infidelity, but just trying to say that infidelity has its causes. If the root of the problem is not addressed, infidelity is the inevitable result.
We shouldn’t forget that the real losers in infidelity situations are the children. The man I had the affair with did have one child – just a baby. I’m sad for her because she will probably grow up being shuttled between her mother and her father. But one thing we should keep in mind is we should not force a relationship to work ‘for the sake of the children.’ It never works and is usually more detrimental to the children.
When all is said and done, relationships fail all the time. It should not seem like the end of the world. Life is short and we should strive to be as happy as we can, whenever we can.
Kisses!

I love to see black love so I was really disappointed when these two broke up…


